For those who know me (and I mean actually know me not “Oh you are SO funny on Facebook” know me) you will know that I like to take the piss out of things. I can be crass, I can be sarcastic and let's face it out right inappropriate. I fancy myself a regular George Takei (without the fame and good looks) I forget sometimes that Facebook, like any social media site, is a PUBLIC forum and that what I find in my head to be completely innocuous or innocent can be extremely offensive. Words have power. Again, those of you who know me, you know that I would never knowingly say something to someone to make them feel uncomfortable. This all being said I said something on someone's wall that was offensive to them. A person who I actually think is pretty damn rad. A person and a group of people I would never EVER want to alienate or offend. I used a word that was not mine to use and then as the pigheaded person that I am I tried to argue to the offended party that I knew better! (I mean really Leah, leave well enough alone here) The discussion unraveled so quickly that at some points I couldn't even really articulate what I was thinking and ended up digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole I didn't want to be in. I came off like an ass. There I said it. An ass. At the end of the day, what I believe and what others believe aside, if I've hurt someone's feelings that's where the line in the sand is drawn. Full stop. Go back. That's where Facebook becomes not fun anymore. And I have literally not been able to stop thinking about it since.
I won't rehash the entire debate because I'm sure y'all don't need to read all of that. It was centered around the position that a straight female holds in the gay community and what “rights” we have within that community. I have always been a proud “fag hag”, never really thinking of that term as a negative (although let's face it, the first word in that little phrase is, in fact, a slur). There are many ideas about what that term really means. At the end of the day, I am not gay and the path I have walked in this life is not that of a gay female. I'm more “gay adjacent” in that I feel a true kinship with this community. It has been so important in my upbringing and my development as a person. I fiercely guard my right to stand in the homosexual community because it has become my community. These people are my people. I think I instantly became so defensive during this whole debate because I honestly couldn't bear the idea of someone telling me I wasn't a part of it. It was, in a word, heartbreaking.
After this whole FB discussion I started reading up about the concept of the “hag”. Unfortunately, like everything in life, there are good hags, there are bad hags and there are down right ugly hags. Speaking of ugly, that brings me to fag hag generalization #1: that the hag is a dowdy straight girl who prefers the company of gay men and women because she can't get the attention of straight men. Now we've all met these girls and I won't err on the side of optimism and say that this type of hag doesn't exist. However, I will say they are the exception more than the rule. I have often joked “if you want someone to go shopping with but can't hold their hand through a break up or an AIDs test then hire a personal shopper”. Although that is a joke, the concept behind it is not. I can't tell you how many times I've been asked “How do I find a gay best friend?!” How do you find any of your OTHER friends? It's not like the universe is hiding homosexuals in this magical world you need to cross over into through a wardrobe. Much like any other relationship if you search for it, you probably won't find it. Searching for a “gay best friend” is just like searching for “Mr. Right”. These are concepts that have been constructed by mainstream media. As a young straight female they tell me I must find both of these archetypes or my life is just not complete. I am actually pretty fortunate. I found my Mr. Right and I have lots of male and female gay friends but I didn't find them by putting bait on a hook. I found them because we were like minded people who formed lasting relationships based on far more than our sexuality. Have I proudly spoken about my “gay best friends”? Absolutely. Do we rattle off jokes that are on the far side of PC? Yep, we sure do. Do they call me “gay” as a term of endearment and do I love it? Yessir. Because we are friends. There is trust built there. Trust that I haven't earned from every single Facebook user in the world. I also often joke about someday writing a memoir called “The life and times of a Fag/Drag Hag” because I literally have so many incredible experiences within this community. Experiences that I was fortunate enough to have because of all of the wonderful and interesting people in my life.
Now, slurs aside, there are certain words that get thrown around in gay vernacular that I do not think should be vilified. For example “gurl” or “fabulous”. I was told that using these words perpetuates negative gay stereotypes. Fair enough if you believe that. Here's where I draw the line (we can agree to disagree on this issue) I don't think these are bad words. I never will. I love my fabulous friends. And, to be clear, I do not use this word to strictly refer to my male friends. The gay community IS fabulous. When you look up the definition of that word you know what you find? Extraordinary. I can't think of a more fitting way to explain it. I understand that this community is far more complex than an episode of “Will and Grace” or “The L Word” (although on Facebook it can be hard to come off convincing about this). Not all gay men are femme and not all gay women are butch (as pop culture would perhaps lead us to believe). The gay world is just as varied and colorful as the straight world. Each individual playing an important part in the community on a whole. The unfortunate truth is that not everyone realizes this. People now-a-days watch a few episodes of “Queer as Folk” and think they know everything about gay culture and this seriously hurts the people living within the community. Now I'm a pop culture junky and the influence that the gay community has had on pop culture is immeasurable. Not to mention it's influence on art, music, dance, literature and social policy.
While we're on the subject of words, I will say I have never been a huge fan of the term “ally”. Honestly, I'd rather be a hag (if I need a title at all). The word ally has always struck me as super militant. Are we waging war? In the grand scheme of things maybe we are. The left versus the right. In these days where gay couples are on the verge of FINALLY being given equal rights under the law it can feel like an all out battle against those in this world who would dare to say that their relationships are more legitimate because they exist between a man and a woman. That they can stand against this group of wonderful, beautiful, important people and say “We have this little black book and it says you're wrong” would be laughable if it weren't so scary and detrimental. I think it's important to also note that in these times it is more crucial than ever for the gay community (and I include it's straight supporters in there) to stand together. Let's stop fighting on the inside. We're all on the same side and there are people who are decidedly not. But if we're going to stand together, I agree there must be mutual respect. Respect that begins when we listen to each other's needs.
So why did I write this? If I'm being honest? Selfish reasons probably. The need to have my words read how I mean them. The need to let people know that I would never purposefully disrespect anyone (except maybe members of the Westborrow Baptist Church...aint NOBODY got time for that). The need to let someone know that when they said “don't” I really listened and thought about it long after our social media talk ended. The need to say, I'm a part of this community, and it means the world to me. A need to say, when it's important, I've got your back.
Alright, now back to my cat memes...
