Depression and the S&M of SM

Well it's been awhile...and I could make up a myriad of excuses as to why I haven't written in some time but the fact of the matter is it's winter, I'm busy and I'm struggling. Now, now before you give up and stop reading I will say this isn't a “woe is me” post by any means. More of a series of observations I have made of late that I feel might apply to more people than myself. This is about my relationship between depression and social media...and I sincerely believe there is one...

For those of you that know me well (or are the least bit observant) you will know that I have struggled with Depression and Anxiety for nearly all of my adult life. I am obviously not alone. I would bet top dollar (USD, CDN) that many of the people I know have a history with these demons. It's like fighting a life long war. There are times when I win battles, there are times when I lose them but the war rages on continuously. I've been to therapy, I've taken medication, I've read books, I've done yoga, I've bought shoes, I've gone to the other side of the earth and back and I've worked very hard at making peace with this inner struggle. I have always lost. Actually “lost” is the wrong word. I have always come back to the fact that I prefer living with this disease than taking a pill that makes it go away. It's a part of me. We've lived together for so much time that I feel a very symbiotic relationship with these feelings. It sounds strange but I don't feel myself when I don't have periods of extreme sadness in my life. We've all seen/heard the “Depression hurts” ads and although I loathe hearing those words they couldn't be more accurate. There are days when it quite literally HURTS to get out of bed. It's as if gravity decided to play an evil trick on your body for the day, pushing down harder than it ever has before. Think about walking around all day with weights hanging off of your limbs (I know a lot of people compare this feeling to wading through water but I actually find that to be an extremely pleasant experience. This is not). Unfortunately, the physical pain is nothing compared to the mental anguish. Simple day to day tasks become nearly impossible to complete and sleeping (when insomnia doesn't take hold) turns into my only respite. When I hit a low point in this battle and my reserves are nearly spent, I hate myself. Self hatred is one of the worst forms of torture. There is little that you can do to talk yourself out of it because you're the one causing it. I end up feeling like the Three Faces of Eve, trying to convince the voice inside to stop being so negative. So what happens when I can't make the inside me feel better on it's own? I turn to social media.

For those of us out there that engage in social media interaction (and let's face it...you won't be reading this unless you do) we are all familiar with the idea of the “Facebook coma”. When you stare blankly at your Facebook account watching the lives of others scroll past while not really living your life at all. This is perfect (and I am using this word satirically here) when I am depressed. I already feel like life is passing me by while others live to their fullest potential. Now I have a WEBSITE to confirm this for me! Halleluiah! Social media is a place we turn to for validation. Validation that there are others out there who are like-minded (or not...),validation that we look good, validation that we are funny and for me, validation for why I feel so f***ing shitty sometimes. Now, underneath it all, when I am being rational, I know I feel sh***y because I am engaged in a lifelong battle with a really sh***y disease. When I'm depressed I can find any number of reasons on FB as to why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. The highlights? “Wow, I used to be so skinny” “Wow, all of my friends are doing things that are WAY cooler than I am” “Wow, I didn't understand that really intelligent thing someone just posted, I must be an idiot” “Wow, I don't have a baby yet” “Wow, I don't even know if I want a baby” “Wow, I just spent the entire morning fighting with someone on FB for no reason. I am a terrible person” “Wow, no one liked my post that I thought was super clever” ... this list could go on and on and on. When you're sad, it's really easy to find reasons to continue to feel sad. The problem with social media and depression (the S&M of it all) is that you can be present in many people's lives without actually being present at all. You can shut yourself off from the world while still making it seem like you are a part of it. I can't tell you how many people tell me “I love you on FB”... this is such a double edged sword. Truth be told, I love that people get a kick out of me on FB. I do. I am an entertainer at heart and I love knowing that people find entertainment in the things that I do. (so if you've ever told me that you found me amusing on FB, thank you, I actually really appreciate that). The problem arises when I stay at home, instead of engaging in ACTUAL person to person interaction, and sit on FB because I still feel like I am being social when, in fact, I am not. The irony of calling it “social” media is it's really anything but. It's not social to sit in your room, alone, and watch your friends/loved ones live their lives. It is easy to hide behind my computer screen, feeling the way that I feel, while making it look like everything is fine. Isn't it funny that when I am being the most ANTI-SOCIAL is when I spend the most time being “social” on social media. Now don't get me wrong, I love being able to log into FB and see people that are all over the world and I love being able to stay connected to people who I love that I don't get to see every day. When I'm feeling better emotionally this is a wonderful way to see what's going on in the world, when I'm sad I will sometimes sit and stare at my screen and cry. Also, I am not going to stop using FB. I could say I will, that I'll deactivate my account and be FREE but, at the end of the day, I like FB. I just have to be very careful about keeping my relationship with this site a positive one. I have plenty of real reasons to feel the way I feel and how many "likes" I get on a post isn't (or shouldn't be) one.

So what is the point of all of this? I guess I figure that if I am feeling this way, others might be feeling this way too. I have recently read a few interesting personal accounts of people's battles with depression (I think it's mental health awareness month or something...) and it helped me to know that although this is a personal battle, there are others out there fighting the good fight too. So I'll leave you with that thought. That I, like many others, am fighting the good fight with myself. I don't wish to win (does anyone ever “win” in a war?) but rather, as I mentioned above, to make peace with myself. One of my favorite writers, Emily Dickinson, was a well known recluse. She kept herself tucked away in her house in Massachusetts and after her death her sister famously published her impressive catalog of work (she had previously only published about a dozen poems). My favorite:

I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you–Nobody–too?
Then there's a pair of us! Don't tell! they'd advertise–you know!
How dreary–to be–Somebody!
How public–like a Frog–
To tell one's name–the livelong June–To an admiring Bog!

I can't help but wonder, what would Emily Dickinson's FB page have looked like?