Even the after dinner mints were too small...

So this is an "American in Toronto" first: It's restaurant review time.

Relish.

What can I say? We didn't "relish" it. In fact we felt cheated upon leaving. Just east of Woodbine and Danforth Relish looks like a cool little gastro pub. On the outside it looks like a fun funky little establishment. They even have live music which is a definite selling point for me whenever I walk into a restaurant. The ambiance isn't bad with a clean funky open concept kitchen and nice bar. Cas and I often walk pass this place and were excited to finally give it a try. Boy were we in for an unpleasant surprise. But let's get down to brass tax here...

Food. Ah the food. Trying to capitalize on the popularity of the tapas restaurant craze Relish has smaaallll portions and high prices. This in and of itself isn't an egregious error. There are lots of places that over charge for small portions. That's the price you pay for "fine dining" right? However ANY price would have been too much for the quality of this food. To start I had chilled cucumber soup which was actually probably the best thing I had all night but let's face it...it's hard to eff up cold cucumber soup. Put cucumbers in blender. Hit start. There you go. A monkey could do it. And when that is the highlight of a night, you know you have a problem. I went with Harv, Cas and Mike. We each ordered two things and Cas and I had soup. The bill came to $123 and we had to stop for pizza on the way home (which incidentally we spent $1.50 a slice on and was FAR more satisfying than our whole dinner). I had the lobster potstickers ($7...there were three of them and one was burnt (if you're keeping score that's three potstickers, four hungry diners). The filling was alright but the portion wasn't worth the price. I also ordered stuffed shells filled with chicken and mushrooms. Frankly, I think I can make a better marinara sauce and there were only two of them (4 diners, 2 shells...I know it's tapas but COME ON). I believe that cost us about $8. You can make a hell of a lot of stuffed shells for $8, my mother does it all the time. Cas ordered scallops and some kind of weird duck casserole with white beans. I'm sorry but $14 for three scallops is ridiculous and the sauce was disgusting WAY too peppery and I LOVE pepper. The scallops were over cooked and sandy. SANDY! That is restaurant 101. Clean your shellfish. And don't over cook it. I didn't actually taste the casserole (it has chorizo in it which I don't do because I don't eat pork or beef) but my fellow diners seemed less than impressed. Apparently the chorizo was bacon bit sized and not at all satisfying. She also had corn and chorizo chowder which she described as "alright". I guess they do soups ok at good ole Relish. Harv ordered some pickerel which came with a cucumber salad that was actually cooked pretty well but I found a bone in my piece and the portion was minuscule. He also got the shrimp which actually had four shrimp (about damn time there are four of us) and at $10 it came in some sort of leek scampi sauce on top of soggy bread. Gross. Mike went with lamb empenadas which I also didn't try but was told were really weird and tasted like they were microwaved. Also the sauce looked like gravy out of a package. Mike also went with an artichoke and bean spread that came with garlic bread. That was $8 and probably the ONLY appropriately sized portion. It came with four good sized pieces of bread and the spread itself was actually pretty tasty. If you're keeping score that Relish: 2 (the soup and the spread) and Disgusting or badly portioned: 7. The beer was pretty cheap but when the only good thing you can say about a meal is "The beer was good". You know you have a problem. The service was alright but erratic and one of our two waiters seemed really nervous and kept horse clicking his teeth after he said most words. All in all when we were served the bill we felt cheated. Thanks Halal Pizza and Wings for being cheap, delicious and right on the way home. You saved our night.

Now don't get me wrong. I understand the concept of tapas being small portions so you can try many different things. I actually really like this concept however Relish doesn't do it justice in the least. I have left many a tapas bar feeling satisfied and happy. I left Relish with a burning need to tell people NOT to patronize their establishment. And THAT is a damn shame. So here it is. If you live in Toronto, are in the East End and looking for a good meal pass right on by Relish and perhaps check out Bistro Carmino (Main and Danforth) or one of the many (inexpensive and delish) Ethiopian restaurants in the Coxwell area. Sorry Relish. You lose.