Top 5 reasons why I still love Michael Phelps

Ok ok...I know this isn't a popular opinion amongst my North American comrades (American and Canadian alike) but YES I still love Michael Phelps. I just can't help myself. I'm a sucker for an amazing Olympic moment and let's face it...that boy has many. He shouldn't need to prove anything. He's DONE THAT. So why the hate America?

Before I bore you with more Pro-Phelp's propaganda I'll get right to it. THE TOP 5 REASONS I STILL LOVE MICHAEL PHELPS: 5. He's a total mama's boy. Can't get enough of his adorable mumma looking on proudly in the stands. I bet she wears sweat shirts with his face on it when she goes to her Curves workouts and knitting bees. 4. The kid has more Olympic gelt than most Chanukah celebrations. He has more medals than 148 COUNTRIES?! Are you KIDDING ME? He could pawn more than half of them and still have more than most people will win in a lifetime. (I understand swimming gives more of an opportunity to win just based on the amount of races there are but it isn't Phelps's fault everyone else decided to be good at sports you only get one medal for...no it's not your fault at all baby) 3. Abs. Let's face it, this could have been #'s 1-5 but I figured my argument needed more variety. Moving on... 2. His surly 'ttude. Yep that's right...I love it. Who says you have to want to talk to the press ALL the time?! I love Svetlana Khorkina for having the best stank face in all of gymnastics and I love that Phelps wears his emotions (good and bad) on his face. So do I Michael...so do I. 1. The men's 200 free relay (2012) anchor position. This race was almost better than sex for me. Breaking the all time record with an anchor position in a GOLD MEDAL winning relay. And yeah I know the other guys put him in front but he KEPT THEM there (unlike cough Lockte cough in the 400m. I like you just fine Lockte...you just don't hold a place in my heart like Phelps. It's like comparing Jordan to Lebron...you haven't earned it yet baby) Phelps just said BOOSH to the haters. I wish Jill Scott would literally follow him around the pool and sing "Hate on me Haters" after every race. The guy is one flipper away from being a real life merman. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love half aquatic half humanoid creatures. I'm sure many people would disagree with me about this issue. Frankly, my dear, I just don't give a damn. Phelps is a legend. Like him or not you cannot deny that. He is quite literally, the greatest Olympian of all time. Point. Set. Swim. (Side note: he's retiring after these Olympics...I totally respect that. Go out on top booboo. Can't wait for your terrible commentating in 2016...or for me to eat these words and watch you "un-retire" like Jay-Z. The ball is totally in your pool here.)